CaseyLand: Where do I start?

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Where do I start?

family pic, because they're the best thing I've got.
It's no secret I've had a lot of life changes this past year. I think everyone is probably tired of hearing about it. Move to Indiana, husband works toward PhD, our first baby is born, I quit teaching to be a stay at home mom, we leave friends and family behind and venture out on our own. 

This past year has probably been the most challenging of my life. Marriage wise, I would venture to say it's been the most rewarding year, but personally, there have been challenges. I'm used to being busy. Working full time, going to school full time, being a teacher full time - my time was full! As a stay at home mom I'm arguably just as busy, but the time is mine to fill with what I choose, and as lovely as that might sound on paper, or screen, it's most often overwhelming.

I have learned that I'm just not sure what to do. I have a lot of ideas floating in my head, of ways I would like to spend my time. And yet, I find myself sitting on the couch far too often. I should sew some curtains, I'll think to myself. I should refinish my table. I should start painting our living room. I should make a meal plan for next week. I should take Nathan outside for a walk. I should write a blog post. I should make the budget. I should take an inventory of our food storage. I should make that video I've been wanting to make. And then, you know what? I just don't. I don't do any of it. I sit there and want to do it, but then I become paralyzed.

I'm embarrassed writing this. I don't like admitting weakness.

The what-ifs cloud my mind and my motivation. The idea that I might mess it up - any of it - worries me. I start thinking that I can just do it when Alex gets home. Alex will help me. Or I'll ask a friend to walk me through it. I'll get a second opinion. I'll read an article about it. I'll look at Pinterest. I'll weigh the options and eventually I'll make the right choice and finish the task. That's what I tell myself.

Why can't I do it by myself? What is stopping me? At what point does my independence end and my uncertainty begin?

This year I have realized this about myself. My busy life before being a stay at home mom was always my excuse for not doing things I've dreamed of doing. I just didn't have time. I don't have a lot of time now, but I do have SOME time, and still, the dreaded question of "what are your hobbies?" stays unanswered.

I see strong women around me everywhere. In my ward, or on Instagram, I read their blogs, I shop at their boutiques, I save their articles,  I watch their Snapchats, and I am in awe. They got up one day and they just decided to DO what they wanted to do. They make their dreams and ideas happen, every day, even when it gets hard. And I sit here, on my couch, wondering where to even start.

I've been thinking about writing about this for a while, but I kept putting it off, because I like my blog posts to have happy endings, come together with a "moral of the story" or leave you smiling in some way. I don't really have an "ending" to this post. I'm still in the middle of it. I'm 26, and I'm on my own, and I'm trying to figure out what my path is. What do I really want to do? What is going to make me get up and GO, no matter how hard it is? Where do I begin?

And I guess I am wondering, am I the only one?

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