Motherhood right now looks like waking up at 8 a.m. to feed the baby and both of us going back to sleep until 11. It looks like triumph when the baby is happy in his swing, and uncertainty as I try to decide what to do during this time... eat? get ready for the day? do the dishes? clean the house? It looks like me usually choosing to eat first. My health means a healthy baby. It looks like me getting ready for the day around 3 in the afternoon sometimes, even if I have no where to go, just to keep a semblance of my old self. It means I take my baby for a walk even if it's getting windy and grey and threatening rain, just to get some fresh air. It looks like hours and hours in a rocking chair. So many snuggles and kisses, not being able to help myself. It's his serious face staring back at me, because he's not aware that kisses mean anything at all. Being thrilled when Alex walking in the door because I get a break, but also because it's so much fun to watch them play together. Watching Alex pick him up and fly him through the air making fighter jet noises. And again, the serious face, unaware that anything happening is funny or out of the ordinary. It doesn't seem like much some days, and it seems like way too much other days.
But nothing feels the way making him feel better feels, and nothing measures up to when he does give you a big grin. Nothing is quite as special as watching him try to find his voice, and then finally being able to have a goofy conversation with lots of "really?!" and "tell me more!!"
It's a different life than what I've been used to, but it's one roller coaster I'll keep riding.